What a ride these past like... 8 months have been. To be honest, I didn't know what to do with this blog anymore. I hadn't really for a long time, even before I stopped posting. And I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with it. But hey, life is like that. And if I've learned anything from this past year, it's definitely that.

You may have a plan. It might even be a good one. One you're super excited for. Or, you don't have a plan at all. Your plan sucks. For me, my uncle died during my last semester of college. My self-esteem plummeted while my depression went to one of the darkest places it's ever been. Some people noticed, some people didn't. I graduated. Started interning at a place I really loved but for some reason wasn't happy. My "plan" wasn't going as I had planned. Even more so when, after my internship ended, I had no full-time employment set up. I searched and applied, interviewed and waited for more than a month as an unemployed, dirt-poor college grad. Which — believe me — wasn't my plan. I felt like the worst human. And then there was the whole problem about getting a job doing something only kind of related to what I want to do with my career. I felt like my degree was going to go to waste. That $30,000 piece of paper with fancy lettering on it might as well be tossed in the trash.  

I'm talking like this was all a while ago when in reality, I'm not completely out of the woods yet. However, with the Lord's help, I've been able to make some really awesome choices lately, including going through the temple for the first time and accepting a part-time position at a newspaper I really like doing something that is much more in line with what and who I want to be.

So the moral of the story is that despite how good or bad you think your plan is, Heavenly Father always has a better one. Always.

P.S. I'm not sure if this means I'm back for good but I'd like it to so we'll see. I don't have a plan just yet ;)



I have something very special to be thankful for this year.

Last month, on October 18, as I was in the JFK airport on my way to catch a flight home from an internship expedition in NYC, I found out that my dear, sweet uncle Chad Elliot Carlson passed away.

That was undoubtedly one of the worst moments of my life so far. Thank goodness I was surrounded by wonderful friends (I'm looking at you, Jenny and Megan), but the tears were almost uncontrollable, and I still kind of feel like I have permanent tracks down my cheeks from where those tears fell, and still fall.

It was the strangest experience — finding out. I had turned my phone on airport mode while we were in the subway on our way to JFK, and then turned it off when we were buying our air train passes. As we were walking off the subway into JFK I suddenly had this sinking feeling — not that anything was necessarily wrong, but I felt super sick to my stomach. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. Then, after I turned my phone back on I got two or three very anxious sounding texts from my dad, telling me to call him. I instantly knew.

My uncle suffered from sarcoidosis, and had been in and out of the hospital with numerous complications for a couple of weeks before his death. (Including getting his gal batter removed and then his colon a week before). So his death was not necessarily sudden, but in a way it really was. It was shocking.

That's what it was. I was shocked.

I rocked that eye patch.

Death is a funny thing. It brings certain emotions out of everyone — it is almost an emotion all on its own. Some say there are stages, which I somewhat agree with. But the way each person deals with death is a very personal and special ordeal. I say special because it is. It is special because the veil between this life and the next can be very thin for a little while. It is special because of the way someone breaks down and gets stripped of all dignity — because they are suddenly in the depths of despair, if even for a moment. It is special because of what happens during that process. It is special because we usually end up learning something about ourselves. We usually end up becoming a better person than who we were before we experienced such a loss.  

The love I have for Chad has grown since he passed, if that's even possible. I keep trying to remember every moment with him. I remember the last moment I had with him — which was last summer, as my family was in the process of moving to Utah and my dad, brother and I stopped in Nampa for the night. The next morning I was in his kitchen, and he said he was so tired. And that he loved me. I didn't really think anything of it, not knowing that was the last time I would see him in this earthly life.

The fab four! (My dad and his siblings) This one is from the Christmas before last. It goes from oldest to youngest — my dad, aunt Tana, uncle Chad, and my aunt Jenny. I remember them grumbling and groaning as I took some pics, but I also remember feeling like for some reason, I needed to take pictures of them. This was the last time all four had been together.

I am not the same. I have changed. He has made me a better person. My life has more meaning.

Chad always protected me, and was always proud of me. He was there on my first date, and was there when a boy had broken up with me. 

"Do I need to go beat someone up?" he asked me. 

He was so proud of me for going to college.

It breaks my heart that he won't be there for my wedding and to give my future husband the Chad stamp of approval. 

But I now have a forever guardian angel. A special one. That's what I am thankful for.

And I'm proud of you, Chad. I'm proud of where you are, and who you are. 

Till we meet again. 

I'm also thankful for something else really special. This bunch. Never could I ever have been blessed with a better family. I've never felt closer to them than I do now, and wouldn't give them up for anything.

Love to you all, and happy Thanksgiving.



downeast shirt // h&m pants

Oh look it seems almost another month has sneaked by without me blogging during it. And to be honest, I'm not sure if that will actually change once I graduate. I always say that it's harder for me to blog during school, but who am I to say that I will suddenly have the time/feel more like blogging once I (hopefully) start working full-time? I like this quiet spot of mine on the internet and am thankful for the few who stop by regularly.

To be even more honest, graduation is freaking the freak out of me.

Idaho has me captive for three more months and then you know what, who knows what the after part of those three months holds. Cheers to you, future. 



I present to you a few iphone photos!
1. I've recently discovered that I'm most likely lactose intolerant. Whoopee! If any of you know me and how much I love milk, you'll know how hard this is for me. Any recommendations out there from my fellow lactose intolerant and allergic to dairy friends? (Or if you're simply dairy-free...I hear a lot of people just prefer not to drink milk). My parents are big on almond milk and I love the chocolate kind, so there's that. (Today I had a smoothie with ice, peanut butter, a banana and chocolate almond milk).
2-3. The fog this morning was so delightful. There was just something about it that screamed, "Autumn is coming, autumn is coming!"
4. I've been on a hiking kick this summer break, and this week it was Bridal Veil Falls in the Provo Canyon with just my mama and I. We got a good workout in, and having that time with her before I go back to school was so so good.


Watching: Well, more like watched. Grey's Anatomy. You guys it's my favorite. I started re-watching from the shooting (end of season 6) and have watched up to the plane crash (end of season 8). That plane crash gets me every time. I bawled like a baby. #lexieandmarkforever

Loving: This instagram account. It's so great and I can't get over it.

Listening to:

Just kill me now. You can thank SYTYCD for the above song. Did you watch this performance?



shabby apple dress // thrifted heels // rue21 necklace

I got this dress to wear as my bridesmaid's dress for Em's wedding. It was the perfect choice and I love it. I gotta say, I do enjoy picking out my own bridesmaid dress. Out of the five times I've been a bridesmaid the two times I've gotten to pick out my own have turned out much better than the other three. I'm such a sucker for lace. Plus, I wanted to wear it one more time before summer is over, since I feel like it's more of a summer dress. I'll probably dress it for fall/winter with a blazer, though. 

Also, I love this necklace. I'm trying to sneak more accessories into my style since I tend to lean more towards really simple outfits. And I'm actually surprised at how much I love statement necklaces, as long as they aren't too crazy. What are some of your favorite statement necklaces that you've seen lately? I'd love to see your recommendations!  

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Meet Adi.

This little lady is the sweetest. But also the craziest. Seriously, it's like there's a switch, and once it flips — psycho dog. But I love her for it.  



bella ella skirt and blouse // f21 tank // thrifted heels

Sorry for the squinty photos. It was so bright outside on sunday! And hot! This Utah heat, man. Killing me here. I can definitely add myself to the hoard of bloggers that are getting impatient for fall. And it's not just because I'll be able to wear boots and scarves, but because it is my absolute favorite time of the year. Also, this fall will be a special one for me. I'm turning 22 (not like that's some milestone or anything), I'm going on an internship expedition with the communication department of my university (and a few of my very best friends) to NEW YORK CITY to meet with companies and organizations and to scout out internships and job opportunities in the city for after graduation. And GRADUATION! I've mentioned it lately, but really. I think I deserve to be excited/a little impatient. 

And my soul is just swelling....I can just FEEL the blessings, the excitement and the joy that fall is going to bring me. Sure, I get scared sometimes (aka a lot of times) for life after graduation, but I'm telling myself that's the normal single mormon girl jitters. Or just after graduation jitters in general. Call it what you will. 

But yes I am excited to wear boots and scarves. I'm excited for changing leaves and crisp air. I am excited for pumpkin treats (I have a whole board on pinterest dedicated to them) and I'm excited for haunted houses and corn mazes. 

My arms are wide open, dearest fall!

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